It’s amazing how two totally opposite people get together and form a marriage.  We are opposite in every way.  But those “love drugs” that shoot through our brains and our bodies when we fall in love make it possible for opposites to attract.  The euphoria or high lasts anywhere from 18 months to three years.  It makes opposites compatible.  But when the drugs wear off, we see how opposite we really are.  How bad is it?

We are truly from two different planets. My whole view on life and love makes no sense to my mate, and her view does not make sense to me.  So we begin to limp along in life carrying each other.

We speak two different languages. Men speak congnitive-ly for the most part, just wanting to talk enough to exchange necessary information and fix problems.  Women speak affective-ly for the most part, wanting to talk just to connect with another human.  How do we get anything done?

We usually have two different temperaments. Temperament is not anger, it is the why behind exploding or shutting down, manipulating or giving it, being aggressive in love or waiting for the other to initiate.  So, if you are prone to explode when angry and needing to talk it all out, but you are married to a person who tends to shut down to avoid conflict, we have a problem.

We usually have two different love languages. How I say “I love you” with words or actions may not be the way my mate wants to be loved.  For example, I want to tell my wife “I love you” by doing chores for her so she doesn’t have to lift a finger.  I am a great husband!  But my wife is not wired that way.  She wants to be told “I love you” by seeing me drop everything to spend quality time with her on the couch.  (Check out Love Languages on the internet.)

If we are so different, how can we ever get along?  The good news is though we are different, it just takes a little work to make it work.  And, when it works, it is fantastic.  Keep working on your marriage.  If you need some help, just ask.

Even when promoting our fatherhood workshops, we know we need to target the women with our advertising.  They know that no one is perfect, that everyone can use help from time to time, and that healthy parenting is not an automatic talent we have the moment our children are born.  It’s harder to get me to sit down and work on their parenting skills.  But men, your family needs you more than you think.  Here are statistics on children and poverty that we hope will encourage you to work harder at becoming a better father:

• Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor. In 2002, 7.8 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 38.4 percent of children in female-householder families.
  Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2002, P200-547, Table C8. Washington D.C.: GPO, 2003.
• During the year before their babies were born, 43% of unmarried mothers received welfare or food stamps, 21% received some type of housing subsidy, and 9% received another type of government transfer (unemployment insurance etc.). For women who have another child, the proportion who receive welfare or food stamps rises to 54%.
  Source: McLanahan, Sara. The Fragile Families and Child Well-being Study: Baseline National Report. Princeton, NJ: Center for Research on Child Well-being, 2003: 13.
• A child with a nonresident father is 54 percent more likely to be poorer than his or her father.
  Source: Sorenson, Elaine and Chava Zibman. “Getting to Know Poor Fathers Who Do Not Pay Child Support.” Social Service Review 75 (September 2001): 420-434.
• When compared by family structure, 45.9% of poor single-parent families reported material hardship compared to 38.6% of poor two parent families. For unpoor families who did not experience material hardship, 23.3% were single-parent families compared to 41.2% of two-parent families.
  Source: Beverly, Sondra G., “Material hardship in the United States: Evidence from the Survey of Income and Program Participation.” Social Work Research 25 (September 2001): 143-151.3

The Northwest Marriage Institute is offering free workshops that are designed to increase responsible fatherhood.  None of the workshops so far have filled up.  But we are hopeful that more men will be encouraged to come.  Check out our schedule at northwestmarriage.org.

It’s shouldn’t always be bad news when we report statistics regarding fathers in America.  There is definitely some good news out there.  Many fathers remain a vital part of their kid’s lives.  Here are some of those stats:

67.8 million – Estimated number of fathers across the nation

25.8 million – Number of fathers who were part of married-couple families with children younger than 18 in 2009.

• 22 percent were raising three or more children younger than 18 (among married-couple family households only).
• 3 percent lived in someone else’s home.
• 1.7 million – Number of single fathers in 2009; 15 percent of single parents were men.
• 8 percent were raising three or more children younger than 18.
•  About 47 percent were divorced, 29 percent were never married, 18 percent were separated, and 5 percent were widowed.
• 44 percent had an annual family income of $50,000 or more.

85% – Among the 30.2 million fathers living with children younger than 18, the percentage who lived with their biological children only. In addition, 11 percent lived with stepchildren, 4 percent with adopted children and fewer than 1 percent with foster children.

158,000 – Estimated number of stay-at-home dads in 2009. These married fathers with children younger than 15 have remained out of the labor force for at least one year primarily so they can care for the family while their wives work outside the home. These fathers cared for 290,000 children.

53% and 71%- Percentages of children younger than 6 who ate breakfast and dinner, respectively, with their father every day in 2006. The corresponding percentages who ate with their mother were 58 percent and 80 percent. (The percentages of children who ate breakfast with their mother or father, respectively, were not significantly different from each another.)

36%- Percentage of children younger than 6 who had 15 or more outings with their father in the last month, as of 2006.

6 - Average times children ages 3 to 5 were read to by their fathers in the past week, as of 2006.

You’ve heard these stats before, but here’s the explanation.  Almost half of all first marriages end in divorce.  But almost 75% of all second marriages end in divorce.  One researcher stated “if both you and your partner have had previous marriages, you’re 90 percent more likely to get divorced than if this had been the first marriage for both of you.”  They also say that there is a lot of data that shows second marriages should be more successful than first marriages.

It seems that second marriages ought to be more successful.  Both parties are older, more mature than they were in the first marriage.  They both claim to know what mistakes were made and determine to not let those things happen again.  But when “love” enters the picture, people revert to what is comfortable, what makes them happy, or made them happy, on the intimate level.  Many people end up marrying a person like a previous partner.  The same things begin to happen.  With less patience the couple breaks apart.  The problem is that we cover over the relationship problems or ignore the problems by separation or divorce.  If you don’t fix the problems, you are doomed to repeat them.

Can a person go back and repair the relationship problems with a previous mate, even if there is no way you would ever get back with him/her?  In a sense, yes you can.  The key to repairing your past is to understand it, analyze it in a healthy way, and then acquire the tools necessary to make your next relationship work.  Here are some ideas for understanding your rocky past:

• Realize that you had something to do with the breakup.  Many people put all of the blame their relationship breakup on their mate.  It takes two to mess up a partnership.  Admitting it is step one.
• Go back and begin to think of what you did to either start the problems or add to the problems.  Take one problem at a time.  Don’t look at your problems in general—be specific.  If you didn’t start a problem, don’t accept the blame.  But did you do something to make it bigger, angrier, out of proportion, etc?
• Decide what you could have done differently.  Even if your partner would probably not change, what could you have done, how could you have changed, to resolve that issue or make it smaller?  You will have the same kinds of problems in your next marriage.  Be ready to handle them differently.

Check out my book for other ideas as well as tools to help any couple resolve problems and have better communication.  Remember, any marriage can be saved.  Any marriage problem can be resolved.  Enjoy life!  (Dr. Bob Whiddon, Jr.  Secrets to Surviving the Marriage Fog.  Order from northwestmarriage.org.)

Did you know that for every three churches that have some kind of divorce recovery ministry only one church has a healthy marriage ministry?  Does this mean that churches are more interested in marriages that have fallen apart than in marriages that need help before they fall apart?  I hope not.

There was once a village with many children.  They regularly would go to the top of the hill right outside of the city to meet and play.  But the hill, the cliff, was steep and dangerous.  And very often a child would fall off the cliff and suffer injury or death.  The problem was so great that the elders of the city came together to discuss what should be done.  After a great debate, the city elders decided to build a hospital at the bottom of the hill.  In that way, an injured child would be able to get medical attention more quickly.

So, what about prevention?  Why is there more effort in churches to help individuals and couples AFTER life-altering events than to help them BEFORE the hurt?  The answer—recovery ministries are more popular.  And, prevention ministries are often seen as “admission of failure” on the part of the families of the church.  Wow.  What a way to ignore the problem of marriage struggles and divorce.

I believe it’s time for churches to get their act together and promote healthy marriage and healthy parenting before the recovery ministries are needed.  It is true that 50% of marriages will end in divorce.  This includes marriages in your church.  And, those other couples, the ones that won’t divorce, almost all of them will have struggles of average to major intensity.  Let’s stop ignoring the problem.  We have built too many hospitals at the bottom of the hill.  If you need help designing a marriage ministry, all you have to do is ask.

There was an article published in USA Today (January 2012) stating that divorce was as bad for your health as smoking.  Here’s an excerpt from this University of Arizona study:

The risk of dying early was 23 percent greater among divorced adults than married couples tracked by researchers for an average of 11 years. Researchers found the risks associated with divorce are similar to other well-established public-health risks, such as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, getting limited exercise, being overweight and drinking heavily, said the study’s lead author, UA psychology professor David Sbarra.

This study was meta-analysis of studies in the area of marriage, divorce, and health done in the last 27 years.  The researcher was surprised at how much evidence there was that connected divorce and poor health.

In my marriage workshops I claim that divorce is in the top five most stressful events of life.  And this stress does not go away like other stressors.  The divorce is kept alive, in one’s heart and throughout one’s life, because the divorced partner does not disappear.  The collateral damage of divorce (the stress experienced by the kids of divorce, the alimony and child support, the drastic change of holiday traditions, etc.) do not go away.  Though many dispute the enormous damage associated with divorce, this researcher concluded that basically we’ve know about this problem for many years.

Repairing a marriage would be a much better alternative than divorce.  While it will not be easy, the couple that works through problems and learns to communicate and resolve problems will enjoy enormous benefits.  Jump on the bandwagon!  Encourage couples to work and repair marriage problems.  It’s the healthy choice.

I am often asked by a frustrated wife, “Why is my husband so different in public and in private?  It’s like he has two personalities.  Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  He is so outgoing in public, but when he comes home he just wants to sit and do nothing?  Is this a man thing?”  Husbands ask the same question at times.  Here’s the short answer—People often have different temperaments in public and private settings.

Temperament is “why” you do what you do.  And, many people have two temperaments.  So, a person may have an outgoing temperament in public that drives him/her to be very upbeat and social.  That same person may have a subdued temperament in his/her private life in which the need for time to regenerate is very real.  The key to getting along with multiple temperaments (not multi personalities) is to understand.  We have a temperament test that examines each participant in three areas of life: your social interaction with everyday people, your control or decision-making processes, and your interaction with people who are very close (spouse, children, best friends, etc.).  It can open your eyes to so much.

So, the wife may then ask (after the couple takes our temperament test), “Ok, I can see that my husband is different at home.  But when we were dating, he was so outgoing with me!  We did everything together.  We had a blast.  Was he just showing off to me?  Was he tricking me?  What?”  Husbands ask the same questions.  Here’s the short answer—When we fall in love our brains are invaded by chemicals that make us want to do the right things to make that special someone happy.

The invasion of brain chemicals are there to not only make us to the right things, but to get us to begin new habits that are supposed to last in the relationship even after the chemicals wear off.  But for most of us, after the chemicals wear off after 18 to 36 months, we revert back to what is comfortable for us.  It’s not that people tricked each other into falling in love.  The chemicals really did make us act differently; make us go beyond our comfort zone.  So now what do we do?  We work to go beyond that comfort zone.  It’s no longer automatic as it was before.  But any effort to make your mate happy makes for amazing results.  Read all about this phenomenon in my book, Secrets to Surviving the Marriage Fog.

December brings a mixed bag of emotions to families all over the world. In America, the December holidays come on the heels of a national day of Thanksgiving. The celebration commemorates the sharing of a meal between the foreign Englishmen and the Native Americans. Plus, we get to watch football and eat enormous meals.

This is just the beginning of what should be the most wonderful time of the year. But for many adults, the holiday season brings on depression. Some of this is connected to what is called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or a natural depression that occurs because of lack exposure to sunlight. But much of the holiday blues can be attributed to unrealistic expectations that go unmet by loved ones.

Think about how you viewed Christmas time as a child. Whether you enjoyed the religious celebrations or the mythical, magical elf that would drop by, it was an exciting time. There were gifts (that was the most important thing), and the family gatherings, and the food. It was great to be a child at Christmas time.

As an adult, you now experience the other side of the holidays—the overextending of credit to purchase all those gifts, the huge amount of work to put together holiday meals, and the enormous inconvenience of relatives visiting for a few days. It’s exhausting! Then, when all the torn-up wrapping paper settles on the floor, you realize that the holidays aren’t the same. It’s a lot of work to produce holiday cheer. And, it’s pretty much over by early to mid afternoon on December 25th.

Married couples spend a lot of time apart after this. The sportsman watches sports. The one who feels obligated to clean up the holiday mess, cleans.  They limp along and have a somewhat special kiss at midnight on the last day of the year.

Then, they wake up with an entire year in front of them. The holidays for adults, unless you work hard at it, are not as much fun as they are for the children. MARRIED COUPLES— MAKE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON FANTASTIC— TOGETHER! Here are some suggestions:

1. Have a spiritual outlook on the holidays. I wonder if some of our disappointment in the holiday season can be traced back to selfish expectations?  Probably. Why don’t you, as a family, spend some time at a soup kitchen. Give your time and energy to help those who are not as blessed as you. Servanthood is always beneficial to others AND to yourself.

2. Be partners in shopping. This is difficult one for the men. We like buying, but we don’t like shopping. Listen men—our wives enjoy our company! Our wives enjoy walking and shopping. If you walk and shop with them, you will amass many brownie points.

3. Be partners in planning the celebrations. Planning and cooking meals are too much for one person. And, if one partner sits and watches TV while the other works, a major storm will brew. Again men—our wives enjoy our company. Our wives enjoy our help. And, remember the brownie points.  Women—your husbands look forward to the tradition of watching sports during the holidays. Find a way for this to happen for them without being upset.

4. Rejoice in the joy of others. Spend your energies making the holidays special for others. The less you think of yourselves the less chance you have of becoming depressed. Kids, grandkids should enjoy the holidays. Make it special for them. Take lots of pictures. Give lots of hugs and kisses.

5. Plan a special holiday for just the two of you—husband and wife. Husbands and wives spend money on each other to bring happiness. But in the chaos of the presents and the meals, the meaning behind the gifts may be lost. So, plan a special, private gift exchange. Ten minutes after the kids open their last present, give a wink to each other as a signal to leave the room. Rendezvous in the bedroom or some other private room in your home. Men, go first, give your wife that special present you picked out for her. Make sure it isn’t a toaster or some other implement of labor. Give her that gift and tell her how much you love her and how proud you are of her that she made the holidays special for you and others.

Women, you go next, do the same things. When you’re done, smooch a bit, then get back to the family. When the holidays are over, you WILL remember that special moment when you privately exchanged gifts. You have started a new tradition that you both can look forward to and that will make the holidays, all the aspects of the holidays, special for your marriage.

Have a Marry Christmas!
(Get it? “Marry” like in “marriage”! Ho ho ho!)

 

www.northwestmarriage.org